The ABC's of Life Group Ministry

To lead an effective Small group you'll need to know your ABC's.  Knowing them and keeping them in the correct order of importance will be key to your success as you connect members and grow your group spiritually!  Here they are in the correct order of importance:

A is for acceptance -- B is for belonging -- C is for content

Acceptance = Belonging:  At first glance you might think acceptance and belonging are the same thing. While they are closely related, there is a difference. Acceptance comes before belonging.  Acceptance is what you and the other group members offer to one another.  Belonging this how a group member feels about their place in the group.  Content (the biblical truth and the life principals you hope to teach and for people will absorb) may be the reason someone signs up for your group, however, it won't be why they stay actively involved.  Acceptance that results in the feeling of belonging will keep group members coming back to learn your content.

Group leaders often get the ABC's out of order.  Many group leaders give content first place in the way of value and emphasis (CAB).  The result is a "CAB" ride to disillusionment and frustration as a leader.  CAB undermines your effectiveness.  Content driven leaders often end up baffled over the reason for their dwindling or and erratic group attendance.  They question people's commitment to Christ and spiritual growth and wonder why group members are not eating up and licking the bowl when it comes to their weekly opportunity to be taught such great truths and life changing principals.

Here's the truth... CAB's always wreck!  
ABC = great attendance and spiritual growth.

Content driven leaders need to memorize this phrase... 
"People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

Here are 5 ways to build an  atmosphere of acceptance:

1). Acknowledge Each Person:  Welcome every guest and make sure the other group members are aware of one another as well.  Welcome each person individually but quickly look for ways to connect them with others.  Say something like, "Welcome Jane, I'm glad you came!  Hey have you met Emily?"  Quickly get guests started in conversation with one another and then excuse yourself to continue welcoming and connecting other guest.

2). Affirm Everyone:  As you greet each person and introduce the person to others, complement them by sharing an important fact about them. Share something about them that you find interesting or impressive.  For instance, people often introduce me to others and share that I am the father of 10 children as a point of interest or uniqueness.  I have a friend who writes poetry and has published 2 books.  When I often share this fact about her when I am introducing her to others.

3). Assign Involvement:  Try and ask every group member to help with some aspect of the group gatherings.  Think about the small tasks you will need to do each week and ask group members to help you do them.  Invite another group member to help you greet people at the door.  Invite group members to sign up to bring snacks or beverages.  Ask someone to help you take attendance or cue up a video the group will watch.  Ask a group member to pray or facilitate discussion by being the first to respond to the opening question after the video teaching is over.  There are a number of ways to assign involvement.  Be creative.


4). Award  Attendance:  Some groups literally award attendance by offering a graduation type of certificate to all who complete the course of study.  Other, less formal ways of awarding attendance would be to offer special prizes or incentives to people who attend regularly.  Another small way to to bolster attendance might be to make announcements about good things that will be coming up in the next session.  Build anticipation with the promise of a reward but make sure you follow through!  If you say, "Next week at this time we'll be eating chocolate cake!" then you better have cake and let them eat it too!

5). Ask Questions:  Acceptance is offered and experienced when a person (or group) genuinely asks questions about someone and truly listens to the person when they answer.  Acceptance goes way beyond  just offering someone a seat in the circle.  It must include the opportunity to open up and share something of themselves with the group.  To begin with, questions should be about the person you and not related to the content.


Do you have any ABC stories?
How do you create an ABC environment?
What are some personal questions you would use to express interest in someone and give them the opportunity to share something about themselves?
 

Hugs, High-Fives, Handshakes & Holy Kisses: working out your way to welcome

It's opening night for your life group gathering and your first guests are at the door.  Suddenly, you realize that beyond all the preparations for your gathering, the one thing you failed to consider was how you will greet your guests?  Quickly, you run through your options...

A) hug each one as they come in the door. 

B) shake hands with each person.

C) Pull a combo: only a hug the women, but shake hands with the men.
D) Go freestyle - hug the people that you know best and shake hands with the people you don't know as well.
E) Hug the women and Hi-Five the men.

Of course, if you choose to go with the hug as your way of welcome you should be aware that there are a number of options within this option as well.  You could give a "bear hug" where you basically squeeze and lift someone off the ground.  Bear hugs are mostly used by jovial people with good backs.  There is always the standard "three pat" on the back hug.  I'm not sure why three pats is the rule, but 2 is too little and 4 is overboard.  Beyond the bear hug and three pat, there is always the "side hug."  I have to admit, side hugs seem a little awkward.  The side hug seems to say, "We are close, but not that close."  Perhaps there are other forms of hugs to consider, but the point is... choose your hug wisely.

Perhaps the most relationally safe and more culturally acceptable greeting is the handshake.  However, you may quickly realize that there are a number of ways to shake hands as well.  Most widely used is the the "traditional three-pump handshake" which requires a firm grip and includes three low range up-and-down shakes.  Like the three pat hug, the three-pump handshake requires three shakes.  Two shakes is too little and 4 is overboard.  There is also the "conversation handshake."  This is a handshake where you continue to hold the persons hand after the handshake while finish speaking to them.  Be careful using the conversation handshake, you may hold the persons hand too long, resulting in your guest experiencing an awkward "trapped" feeling.  There is also  handshake / shoulder or arm pat combo.  This handshake includes using your free hand to pat your gust on the arm or back.  This type of handshake seems to say, "I'm greeting you formally, but we have a closer relationship than this and you really deserve a hug." Another handshake that is similar to the handshake with shoulder pat is the "handshake free-hand overlay."  This is a technique where you lay your free hand over-the-top of the person's hand you are shaking hands with.  This handshake seems to say, "I care about you."  Lastly, there's the combination "handshake / hug" where your greeting starts with a handshake, but ends with an awkward hug where your handshake ends up trapped between the two of you as you hug.  This handshake occurs most often when one or more of you is uncertain about the status of your relationship.

Of course, above all these ideas stands what the Bible says about how Christians should greet.  More than once the Bible says that believers should "greet each other with a holy kiss"    1 Corinthians 13:12.

All joking aside, your greeting is an important part of your group gathering.  The greeting you choose will help to set the relational tone of your night. Your greeting will almost alwys include a combination of verbal and nonverbal gestures and actions that will help communicate acceptance, and belonging to your guests.  And while I may have over-stated or over-illustrated the importance of your greeting, I do belive it is something worth thinking about.

My recommendation:  Go with the "traditional three pump handshake" with a word combo of, "Good to see you!  Come on in!"

  

Cooking up Connections: Food as an important small group ingredient

This past season, I hosted a small group in the first room most people pass on their way to other group gatherings in our building.  Inevitably, two or three people would lean in and say,  "I chose the wrong group!" or  "I need to come to your life group!"  They didn't say that because I'm the greatest group leader.  They weren't drawn to the amazing Christian content we were learning and discussing.  Those comments were all food focused!  They were drawn by the smell of our freshly brewed coffee and the tables plated with chex-mix and brownies.

Ok, here's today's BIG insight...people like food.  Here now, are a few good reasons why you should consider food as an important ingredient to your small group gathering.

1. Food is a conversation starter:  Food is an easy ice breaker! Food has a way of getting people talking (sometimes with their mouths full). Not everyone can talk sports, or books or politics, but everyone can talk food.  Group members love to compare how many cups of coffee they drink each day.  People often share fun food stories. 

2.  Food = belonging:  People associate "belonging and acceptance" with food.  Take a close look at your life with food and you'll soon see what I mean.  For the most part, you and I only eat with people we love, accept, like and relate to.  Including food at your gathering, creates a feeling of acceptance and  belonging.  People will drawn from this universal rule (food = belonging) when you share food.

3.  Bringing & sharing food creates group ownership:  Inviting others to contribute food to the group gathering is an easy way to build a since of ownership in to the group.  Group members who contribute food will feel good about contributing to the success of the group gathering.  It moves them from spectator / attender to more of a helper / facilitator.

4.  Food is a group activity:  Food gives everyone something to do and literally gets people moving.  No one can sit still and eat.  Food gives people something to do with their hands.  I have met more than few men who I am convinced they can hardly speak unless they have a cup of coffee in hand.  Coffee and conversation go together, just like food and friendship.

Who is willing to share their small group food stories?
Go ahead, post a few recipes as well!

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Perhaps you remember the show that aired in the 80's simply titled "Cheers."  A show about ordinary people finding belonging and community at a local pub in Boston.  The theme song to the show summed up the premise of the show: "you want to be where everybody knows your name."  I think we all can identify with that lyrical statement. It is nice go places were people know your name.  Having your name known is the beginning of belonging.  An exchange of names is often the birth place of friendship.

Bill Hybels, pastor, author and founder of Willow Creek Association, unpacks the idea further with this statement, "We all want to know and be known, love and be loved, serve and be served, celebrate and be celebrated."  How true.  What is also true, is that this kind relating simply cannot be achieved in an hour on Sunday.  This is why I'm so passionate about helping people move "from rows to circles."  By that I mean, helping people move from the forward facing rows of the worship service to fellowship and friendship found in small group circles.  Through First Assembly Life Groups, we have the opportunity to introduce people to one another. Three times each year we build new environments where people can meet, exchange names, build and begin friendships.  If you are interested in knowing more about First Assembly Life Groups please email me!

Tips & Tricks for remembering someones name:
1. Have everyone wear a name tag.  Name tags for the first few gatherings may help everyone win the name game.  However, 90% of your interactions will be in places where no one is wearing a "hello my name is" sticker!  So, you might want to keep reading.

2. Don't forget to focus.  I'm amazed at how many times I've asked a person their name and then immediately forgot the name due to lack of focus.  Force yourself to focus!  Your mission is to hear the name, and immediately begin to use their name by asking a question about the person.  Asking them a question, is a way for you to show interest in them as well as learn more about them, but it is also a chance to rehearse their name and make it solid in your mind while they are speaking. Remembering them and greeting them by name the next time you meet will be way more important to them than recalling all of what they shared in response to the personal question.  Bonus points if you can recall both.

3. Draw up some memorable associations.  If they guy in front of you says his name is Berry and he's got beard, you might say in your mind "Berry is quite hairy!"  Berry never has to know that you memorized his name based on his facial hair.

4. Introduce your new friend by name to as many others as you can.  The more you introduce them to others the more solid their name will become in your mind.

Please write and share some of your tricks and tips for remembering names.

P.S. If you are too young to have ever heard the theme song to "Cheers" here are the lyrics.  It could be a good theme song for small groups...

"Where Everybody Knows Your Name"

 written by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo and performed by Gary Portnoy

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.
You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.