Body Language | what your small group members are saying without speaking

Do you want to know what people really think about the small group experience you are hosting or leading?  To find out, you won't have to create a survey or take a poll.  The truth is, they probably won't share out right what they think or feel; however, they will show you.  People often express themselves (intentionally and unintentionally) through their body language, otherwise know as non-verbal communication.  Let's lean in and take a closer look at how you can learn to read the room.

Understanding or Not:  People often show physical signs of understanding.  Observe how many will nod their head in agreement.  Others will make a  "humm" (simi-verbal) sound when they find a point particularly interesting or relevant.  Just as there are physical signs of understanding, there are also physical signs that people are not understanding or accepting your message.  They may shift in their seat, press their hand against thier forehead, furrow their brow or even rub their eyes.  Anytime a person's posture is asymmetrical it may be a sign that something is "off" balance in their experience or understanding.

Impatient or Bored:  At times people will show signs of boredom or impatience by glancing at their watch.  Some will bounce a knee or even look down and away.  They may pack up their things early or provide short answers to questions.  Others will disengage completely and look into space. Interested people will sit up taller and face the presenter or presentation.  Disinterested people may lean, slouch or even posture themselves away from the presenter.

Offended or Defensive:  Sometimes a group member will disagree with another person or perspective.  The most common non-verbal postures people use when they are feeling defensive or offended are crossing of the arms or legs and a closed thin-lined mouth.  People often may try and mask their offense or disagreement with a tight smile.

Engaged and Interested:  People who are engaged and interested will posture upward and toward the group or presenter.  They may tilt their head slightly (as if to hear better).  Along with a tilted head, you may see them furrow their brow slightly (different from confusion).  The furrowed brow may be an indication that they are processing the points of application related to the content or perspective you have shared.

The good news is that somebody showed up!  The ultimate negative body language sign is when there is nobody there!  So, learn to read the room and make appropriate adjustments to your relational learning environment so that everyone is speaking the same open and engaged body language.

What non-verbal cues have you noticed in your group settings?
How does your body language as a leader influence others?
Would you add anything to the list above?

Conversation Domination: dealing with a dominant personality

We've all been there, stuck in a small group suffering from conversation domination.  Sometimes the dominator is someone who just loves to hear themselves talk.  Occasionally it's someone who believes the small group is there to help them week after week with their latest crisis.  The conversation dominator might be someone who hijacks the conversation and tries to teach all they know about the topic. All too often the conversation dominator is the small group leader themselves!  This can happen when a leader lacks the skill to facilitate group conversation and simply fills the small group session with teaching.  Other times leaders are unwilling to let questions hang in the room and so they alleviate the awkward silence by answering their own questions.  In any case, conversation domination hurts the connectedness of group members and stunts their personal growth by robbing them of the chance to relate and verbally process transformational truth.

Here now are a few ways to fix the problem of conversation domination.

Ground-rules for your gathering.
It may seem like a no-brainier to many of your group members the small group is meant to be an equal opportunity conversation, but sometimes it is good to say so up front.  You might start the first group gathering with a short (2 minute) values and expectations speech where you include a statement about how to participate without dominating.

Learn the fine art of interjection.
Let's be honest, most of the time dominators just can't help themselves.  Some even say things like, "I know I'm taking up more than my share of time here but I just have to share this..."  Group leaders need to learn the fine art of interjection.  Everyone has to take a breath at some point.  Catch'em on the off beat and interject a comment or new question like, "That's interesting, I was wondering if anyone has had similar or different experience?"  Using "I was wondering" questions changes the direction and reopens the conversation for new people to participate.

Put it in print.
Sometimes it is helpful to put your group discussion questions in print.  When members see the questions ahead of time they can begin to think about their answers or responses.  Dominators may hold back when they realize there are a number of questions your group is hoping to work through.  As with ground-rules, share the printed questions with the group and express the value of creating a conversation where everyone has the opportunity to share answers and responses.

Add and object.
Do you remember that classic book Lord Of The Flies where Ralph establishes a number of rules for their gathering?  Among the rules is this one, "whoever holds the conch gets to speak."  Sometimes it's helpful to find an object that relates to your discussion and pass it around as a symbol of focus.  Whoever holds the rose, the football, the magnifying glass, the remote-control, gets to speak.

Employ the dominator.
There comes a point when you may need to just correct a dominant person alone and away from the group, however you may be able to employ the dominator and get them to help you with your mission to get everyone talking.  Sometimes dominators can become conversation creators if they are invited to speak on purpose.

What are some of your conversation domination stories?

How do you debunk dominators?

Can a Small Group be too small?

A few weeks ago I experienced it.  Our normal 8 to 10 didn't show up and the five of us who were there really felt it.  Our group dynamic shifted from our normal happy-go-lucky relational experience, to what felt like nervousness.  The clock ticked passed our start time and so we began...like a car driving on a low tire, we started into our night.  But then a funny thing happened, more of our group members arrived, spirits lifted and we gained momentum.  And then another member came in!  All of the sudden the group dynamic shifted again and I could tell that we had finally reached "critical mass".

Here's a truth we as leaders don't like to face, there is such a thing as too small when it comes to small groups and unless your Life Group has been specifically designed for just a few, you may suffer the negative impacts of being too small.  Let's compare and contrast the dynamics of smaller and larger groups.  

1. The smaller the group, the harder you will work at discussion. You know that "pregnant pause" that comes after you have dropped a great question for your group to interact with?  Well, here's the truth... the smaller the group, the longer the pause.  Groups with 8 + people will enjoy an easier flow of conversation. Even if you can get a smaller group to talk the conversation well can run dry easily.  In contrast, the larger group discussion, with multiple minds and hearts engaged, will likely flow easily and in such a way that the leader will only need nudge and direct the flow of the conversation.  Leaders of larger groups will simply keep the conversation moving by interjecting new questions into the steam of conversation.  Smaller groups tend to get through all their content and discussion quickly and experience less interesting and less-than-engaging conversations simply because there are fewer people and therefore fewer thoughts and experiences to draw from. Larger groups use up their time with a rich and relational dialog that often has to be drawn to a close by a time-conscious leader.

2.  Larger groups enjoy the benefit of personality balance.  Let's be honest, there's often someone in every group that is E.G.R.  (extra grace required).  In a smaller small group, this person stands out.  Over time, group members begin to see the gathering as an endurance test.  If the group were larger, this person (and others who are like him/her) won't have near the same affect on the group dynamic.  A larger number will help absorb the awkwardness these people can sometimes inadvertently introduce.

3.  The more the merrier!  When a group is too small there is a less than joyful feeling in the air (especially if people know the leader had hoped for more to be in attendance).  The truth is, not everyone who said "yes" to coming will actually come.  It is also true that even the most committed person will likely not make it to every gathering.  So, having 20 people say "yes" to coming and then ending up with 10 - 12 who actually show up is a win that will keep you out of the too small danger zone.  (for more on inviting people to your group click here!)

Eight+ Would Be Great!
I have observed and found it true that Life Group leaders who lead 8+ sized groups are the happiest leaders.  They generally feel satisfied with pouring out their energy for that amount of people.  They feel good when they can open and direct a good flowing conversation.  These leaders will be happy to lead again.  Leaders who lead groups that are too small often end a season exhausted and are hesitant to lead again.

What do you think?  What size of group would you be happy to lead?  Let's chat.

Are there other pros or cons that you can share?